BANJO JOKES!

1. Terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players going to a convention. They told authorities that unless their demands were met they would begin releasing the banjo players.
2. How can you tell if there's a banjo player at the door? He can't find the key or he doesn't know when to come in.
3. What's the definition of a perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a lavvy without hitting the seat.
4. What's the difference between a macaw and a banjo? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.
5. What do you call 25 banjo-players up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
6. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the banjo but doesn't.
7. What's the difference between a hedgehog that's been run over and a banjo that's been run over? The hedgehog has skid marks in front of it.
8. What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
9. What's the difference between a banjo player driving down the road and a frog driving down the road? There is a slight possibility that the frog might be going to a gig.
10. Do you know what they call a banjo player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
11. Do you know how to tell when a banjo player is playing out of key? His fingers are moving.
12. If you drop a banjo and a set of bagpipes at exactly the same instant from a 10 story building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares!
13. Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery - she says "Daddy, I didn't know they put two people in the same grave". I said honey they never do that. She said well look for yourself, on the tombstone it says - here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.
14. What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A banjo player.
15. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one - they put the bulb in the socket and then the whole world revolves around them.
16. How do you know if you're looking at a banjo player's family tree? It has only one branch.
17. How do you know the host of a party is a banjo player? If all the salad bowls say "Parkay" on the side.
18. How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player?  If the car doesn't have wheels but the house does.
19. What is the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
20. How do you tune 2 banjos? You shoot one of them.
21. What do you throw a drowning banjo player. - His banjo!
22. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb... answer: 3 - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder!
23. What's the difference between a banjo and a keyring? Keyrings hold the key!
24. What's the difference between a professional banjo player (banjologist?) and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
25. What's the definition of an optimist? A banjo player with an answer phone.
26. A banjo player leaves his banjo on view in the back of his car. On his return he was unhappy to find his rear window smashed in and TWO banjos in the back seat!
27. The banjo is a divine instrument.  Man plays it but only God knows why!
28. Some people instantly dislike banjo players. It saves time.
29. The banjo is to music what spam is to food.
30. Gorillas cannot be taught to play the banjo. They're too sensitive.
31. How can you tell when a banjo player is on the level...when he drools out of both sides of his mouth at the same time!! :-)
32. Why are there no Banjos in Star Wars? Because it's set in the future!
33. What is the ideal weight of a banjo-player? 8 pounds, including the urn.
34. Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you only have one month left to live!" 
    Woman: "But doctor, isn't there anything at all I can do?" 
    Doctor: "You could marry a banjo-player!" 
    Woman: "Oh, will I live longer, then" 
    Doctor: "No, but it will feel much longer!"
35. A banjo player parks his car in a bad neighbourhood with his banjo in the back seat. As he leaves he notices a sign that says , " DO NOT LEAVE CAR UNATTENDED. He goes on and when he returns sure enough someone has broken into his car and put in five more banjos.
36. Recently linguists at a prestigious American University programmed a Cray Supercomputer to determine what one sentence in the English language is least likely to ever be uttered. The answer? "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
37. Q. How do you stop the BP playing? A. put a sheet of music in front of him.
38. Q. How can a BP improve his car's petrol consumption? A. Take off the Domino's Pizza sign.
39. A tenor BP is fed up with constantly having the Mickey taken and speaks to his friend who is also a musician (sorry, who is a musician). His pal says "save up your cash and trade in that piece of firewood against a nice mandolin, a nice pre-war Gibson would give you a ton of cred! The BP saves and saves and one day goes shopping with a wad of dosh. "I'm looking for a nice mandolin, a pre-war Gibson was what I had in mind", he says. The assistant says, "Are you by any chance a tenor BP?". "Why, yes! You obviously recognise me!", replies our hero. "No, sir, it's just that this is a shoe-shop."
40. Q. How long does it take to tune a banjo? A. Nobody knows.
41. What's the difference between a hedgehog and a banjo. If you saw a hedgehog in the road you'd probably swerve to miss it.
42. How do you make a banjo player's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza delivery sign of the roof.
43. What's the most beautiful sound anyone ever got out of a banjo? Splash.
44. Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker? It's hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.
45. What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion.
46. Banjo player decides to give up banjo playing and take up the Accordion. Sells the Banjo and goes to a big Music shop in Edinburgh to get an Accordion...The assistant says accordions are on the 2nd floor just go up and have a look I'll be up in 10 minutes after I attend this customer...Goes up in 10 minutes and says to the fella... Well have you picked your Accordion ...Yea replies the banjo player...Ah fancy that big Orange wan ower at the wa'..... Assistant says tell me were you ever a Banjo player....Aye how dae you know that???? Cos that isn't an accordion mate it's a f.......g radiator!!!!!!!!DOH!!!
47. What's the difference between an anchor and a banjo? You tie a rope to the anchor before you throw it overboard! Ha ha ha
48. Why is a banjo like an artillery shell? Because by the time you hear either of them it is too late to run.

If you have any insulting banjo jokes you would like to share on this page please email jiml@musicinscotland.com